when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
