Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
