i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
