I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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