maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
