i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
