between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
