No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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