Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
