I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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