Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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