So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
