he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
