dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
