babies were throwing up all over the place
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
