Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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