Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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