I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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