This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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