Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
