Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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