I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
