Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
