i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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