I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
