I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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