Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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