i just sent this text using only my big toe
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
