my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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