At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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