You don't have asthma, your pregnant
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
