Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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