so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
