Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
