My liver just broke up with me...
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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