Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
