I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
