marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
