i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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