Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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