just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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