walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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