I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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