We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
