I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
