i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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