Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
