Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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