my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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