Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
