First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The best revenge is premature balding
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
