I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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