my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
