all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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