my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
