I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
