about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
